You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
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I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
the three branches of government
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here