this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
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Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: a man is in my house
me: idk. how would i know that
me: he didn’t answer
911: describe him
me: he’s large
911: is he tall
911: give him my number 🙂
me: what’s your number
911: are u serious
Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I’m just looking for a woman who’s smart, funny, sexy and can drive me to a bank heist today at 3pm
Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog?
Her: Neither. I’m vegan.
Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.