@stevevsninjas

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

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@GrantTanaka

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

@sock_holliday

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s your emergency?

me: a man is in my house

911: who

me: idk. how would i know that

911: ask

me: ok

911:

me: he didn’t answer

911: describe him

me: he’s large

911: is he tall

me: yea

911: give him my number 🙂

me: what’s your number

911: are u serious

@stayfrea_

Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours

@chrisdowning

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

@cravin4

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

@Gupton68

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

@rowdyforsheriff

I’m just looking for a woman who’s smart, funny, sexy and can drive me to a bank heist today at 3pm

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog?

Her: Neither. I’m vegan.

Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.

@skullpuppy11

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.