You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself