@louisvirtel

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

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@j_zimms

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

@jamdugg

PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
PlEasE gOd No
Neighbor: hello
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
OH gOd NO
Me: hi

@BoutCrazed

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

@RexHuppke

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

@ADDiane

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

@lonelySophia

“Wow 4 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know”

Me: wow 4 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL

@BillDixonish

If Billy Joel rewrote We Didn’t Start The Fire based on the past 2 weeks, it would be 45 minutes long.

@hamspamtymaam

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

@WittySassBasket

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

@MsSugar_Kisses

If she’s freaking out, kiss her forehead, hug her & call her beautiful.. If she growls, throw chocolate at her from a safe place