My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
– Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.
You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
– Chopped: Moms Edition
me: one cocaine mcflurry please
employee: u already know i can’t do that
employee: machine’s broken