You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Cashiers are always checking me out
(Electricians.)
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer