you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
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Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.