“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
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TV Show Pitch: 90 Day Parents, give kids to people without kids who think they have all the answers about raising kids so they can see how wrong they were.
Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
*checks bank balance* so, when exactly shall the meek inherit the earth
Best courtroom exchange ever.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
“absolutely no reason at all”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.