You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

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“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn


TV Show Pitch: 90 Day Parents, give kids to people without kids who think they have all the answers about raising kids so they can see how wrong they were.


Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.


All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????


[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal


“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper


It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”


I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.