@leechee420

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

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@KattsDogma

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

@divergentmama

TV Show Pitch: 90 Day Parents, give kids to people without kids who think they have all the answers about raising kids so they can see how wrong they were.

@pizzabottle

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.

@thequeensheart

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

@KeetPotato

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

@LizHackett

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

@DaddyJew

It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”

@twowitwowoo

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.