You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.


them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal


(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….


I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)


“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”


Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure


Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…


If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.


I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.