You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
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Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
One of the best
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.