@Staggfilms

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

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@ClichedOut

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

@kyry5

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

@ohheyohhihello

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

@molly7anne

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

@cbdoubleu

[Gets arrested]

Officer: You get one phone call…

*hangs up a few minutes later.

Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

@robfromonline

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

@jctwritesstuff

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

@Dawn_M_

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?