You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

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School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph


Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively


i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.


DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that


[Gets arrested]

Officer: You get one phone call…

*hangs up a few minutes later.

Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.


Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.


doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom


Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.


[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?