You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Confused owl: What?!
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
good let them take over I have had enough
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.