[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
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whatcha thinkin bout
MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me: *passes ransom note*
Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies?
Me: Or you’ll never see the cat alive!
Mom: He’s behind you.
Me: STUPID KITTY!
When I try on an outfit and it doesn’t make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don’t deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you’ve done.