@realfunghi

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

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@SlipperySecret

I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.

@LukeMones

Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway…polite or the ultimate shade?

@howe007

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

@Marlebean

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

@squirrel74wkgn

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

@Sarcasmo718

Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.

@Brampersandon_

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

@LouisPeitzman

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

@nottheworstmom

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

@Heldinchains

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.