Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
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At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
RT if you could go either way.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.