Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!
And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
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*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Just imagine how good prescription cheese would be.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.