You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?