If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
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COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
The booster protects against what, now?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad