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Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less