You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.

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someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.


You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.


I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?


Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.


1st rule of snitch club is d-
Ok w-
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*


[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk


Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.


I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”


A flash mob has nothing to do with a bunch of Italians in trench coats hanging out at a playground, apparently.