@UGotMeRight

You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.

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@bonesher

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

@sweetandweak

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

@abbycohenwl

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

@SteveSuckington

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

@_NinJar

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

@TheHatStore

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

@1evilidiot

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

@Mikecanrant

A flash mob has nothing to do with a bunch of Italians in trench coats hanging out at a playground, apparently.