Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
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Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas