@evanR39

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly.

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@dreamthievin

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

@Crutnacker

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

@pixelatedboat

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

@murrman5

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

@TheTweetOfGod

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

@Ohgoddessitsme

I just accidentally opened the door for a jehovah’s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.

@lecalabara

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.