You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
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Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.