@Jake_Vig

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

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@CAshmanActor

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

@McGrumpenstein

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

@Dutch_50

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

@ImSoFrancis

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

@SatansTongue

“Ok welcome to ask stupid questions club. Any questions?”
Is this ask stupid questions club?
“You’re now the leader of this club”
What club?

@illiter8too

ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.

HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.

@SavageAphrodite

My husband still has my last name as “Tinder” in his phone so don’t tell me romance is dead.