[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
CASHIER: have a nice day
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
“Ok welcome to ask stupid questions club. Any questions?”
Is this ask stupid questions club?
“You’re now the leader of this club”
ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.
HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.
My husband still has my last name as “Tinder” in his phone so don’t tell me romance is dead.