You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
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Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Happy thanksgiving!
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not