You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
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me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.