@UnFitz

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

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@dollarslices

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

@lisaxy424

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

@CM2BTTHD

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

@RdrJay47

A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.

@BadMikeyBad

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

@panmidwest

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

@meganamram

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie