“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates


Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?


My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.


A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.


I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either


Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”


I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie