You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
mentally somewhere in italy
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt