@PetrickSara

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

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@shawn_spree

I said I wouldn’t go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.

@JJSummertime

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

@secondofhername

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

@mom_tho

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

@david8hughes

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

@TheTweetOfGod

My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe

@McJesse

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

@kumailn

Just ate a glazed donut flavored protein bar. It tasted like someone describing a donut to me while I shove sawdust into my mouth.

@awkwardwit

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

@JillianKarger

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer