I said I wouldn’t go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
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I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
H: …you look great
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Just ate a glazed donut flavored protein bar. It tasted like someone describing a donut to me while I shove sawdust into my mouth.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
ME: there was so much blood
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer