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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball