You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
You Might Also Like
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My life coach traded me.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.