Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
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Me: I got mugged today
Friend: you should tell the police
Sting: there is literally nothing I can do to help you
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Like every good global citizen I’ve reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they’re on vacation
date: i am an old-fashioned lady
[to impress her]
me: *striking stones furiously to light a cigarette*
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
“How much for this remote controlled alien?”
“Sir, that’s Stephen Hawking.”
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.