@mohitraj

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

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@Reverend_Scott

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

@ElliotHetherton

Me: I got mugged today

Friend: you should tell the police

[later]

Sting: there is literally nothing I can do to help you

@Jake_Vig

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

@Dr_powpow

Like every good global citizen I’ve reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they’re on vacation

@Jerrypleasure

[at restaurant]

date: i am an old-fashioned lady

[to impress her]

me: *striking stones furiously to light a cigarette*

@PetrickSara

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

@HuttonGray

“How much for this remote controlled alien?”

“Sir, that’s Stephen Hawking.”

@girlnarly

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

@unravelingfire

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

@SequelsWeWant

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.