You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker