“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
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Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Only short people can save us
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf