Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Marriage counselor: So, what are we dealing with here?
Me: Irreconcilable differences.
Her: Football & beer.
Nothing like an 8:00 meeting on a Monday morning to remind you that your best years are behind you.
Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.