The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
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Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I’m crying im so happy for them
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.