@Schmoodles

You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.

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@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

@SomthinBoutSara

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

@Cheeseboy22

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

@envydatropic

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

@BlindChow

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

@mattsurely

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

@better_off_dad

Marriage counselor: So, what are we dealing with here?

Me: Irreconcilable differences.

Her: Football & beer.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Nothing like an 8:00 meeting on a Monday morning to remind you that your best years are behind you.

@KenJennings

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.