You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
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Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name