“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
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First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
B
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.