You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
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Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Gods work.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that