You can insult anyone you want, as long as you end the sentence with “but in a good way”.

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Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST


Oh white people,

is there anything you won’t try to fix with a 5K run/walk?


Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.


I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.


*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?


“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter