“Johnny Depp looks good in that outfit!”
“That’s Diane Keaton.”
You can insult anyone you want, as long as you end the sentence with “but in a good way”.
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You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Oh white people,
is there anything you won’t try to fix with a 5K run/walk?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter