ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I am interested in:
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.
Scott is a savage
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
MY ROOMBA IS SOMEHOW LOOSE OUTDOORS AND I’M TERRIFIED OF THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE ECOSYSTEM AS IT HAS NO NATURAL PREDATORS.