waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.