You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
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Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.