You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
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sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”