You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
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I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*