Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
You Might Also Like
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.