You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You Might Also Like
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.