You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot