No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
You Might Also Like
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
This cat wants you to take your pills
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.