What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
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WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
How all things should be taught/explained.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.