You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.