You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
You Might Also Like
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
How funny!
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza