4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
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Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.