Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
こいつ天才
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry