NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.
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[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up.
Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
moms in horror movies
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.