You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.