You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
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Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.