@TheAlexNevil

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

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@rockymomax

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

@BraandoCommando

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

@seamussaid

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

@ItsAndyRyan

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

@ladybroseph

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

@manda_tee1

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

@thevickster_sa

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

@desi_princess

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

@CruisinSoozan

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.