@TheAlexNevil

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

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@T_Bonezzz_

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

@iAmDelFreaky

This is embarrassing.

I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss’s office.

He’s watching me tweet this.

I’m fired.

@Social_Mime

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

@sad_tree

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

@pixelatedboat

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

@gIitering

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

@iamk1ts

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.