You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
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I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I did not eat the cake…
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.