You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
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Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
This has made my week.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.