@mermaidsluvwine

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

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@o__0Dev

My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick…. Especially since his name is Steve

@TheCatWhisprer

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

@TheBoydP

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

@Lisabug74

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

@iwearaonesie

i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we’re growing up too fast

“they’re in there daring each other to eat dog food”

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

@ArfMeasures

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

@abbycohenwl

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

@liamantt

Guy on grindr was called farm boy so I messaged saying it’s pasture bedtime and he blocked me