My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick…. Especially since his name is Steve
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
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The Moon: [swipes left]
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we’re growing up too fast
“they’re in there daring each other to eat dog food”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Guy on grindr was called farm boy so I messaged saying it’s pasture bedtime and he blocked me