My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.
Is it the wind? Yes.
Am I going to tell my kids it’s haunted so they stay out? Also yes.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
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Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..
I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.
Always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.