You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.