@DaddyJew

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

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@scorpicpanda

My mom likes to call from baseball games just to say she can’t hear me 25 times.

@bourgeoisalien

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

@Shen_the_Bird

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

@northcoastkevin

My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.

@mrtiredeyes

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

@_davidlucas_

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

@kelkulus

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

@AndyJokedAgain

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

@StellaRtwot

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!