My mom likes to call from baseball games just to say she can’t hear me 25 times.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
I love English because Debut is closer to Review than Debit.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!